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What are you waiting for?
Originally Posted On Tagged 3/25/2009
Have you ever had to pack up a portion of your life...and watch it walk out the door?? I really thought this wouldn't bother me that much...After all...he hasn't slept here in wow...over 3 months...and even then he slept in the bed and I slept on the couch...
But why is it hurting so much...Putting all his shit in boxes...having to look at the accumalation of 16 yrs of living together...And finding condoms in a dresser drawer of his when your tubes have been tied for almost 13 yrs??? Yeah...he wasn't cheating right??? Oh well...guess it doesn't really matter now does it???
The idea that this room will be mine...That I can do as I please and not answer to him...It is leaving me at loose ends...Not knowing which direction to go next...Knowing there is that one person that I want to try to have a relationship with...Being scared to death of even considering another man after this many years...
How the hell do people move on to a new relationship when you've been with somenone for so long??? It took me years to learn what I could say...What I could do...without stepping on Rick's over sized ego...Do I really want to try that again??? Can I at this point?? Everytime I think about being with another man...All I can think of is fucking it up like I did this time....But was it all me??? In my eyes it wasn't ...But maybe to another man it would be...And one thing I refuse to do is have any man sit in judgment on me...I have had enuf of that to last me a lifetime...
Do you know what it's like to be able to do what you want after 16 yrs and answer to nobody?? I have no desire to have someone looking at me and judging me for decisions I make...Or telling me again how many women would die to have him...Or what a bitch I am...Or any number of things that I put up with living with my ex all those years...
After all...I still am faithful to him....He's the one who cheated not me... For 16 yrs I never let my mind even consider being with someone else...And I am stil at that point right now...I refuse to be involved with anyone unless I know he is going to be the last...I'll be damned if I'm going to go thru some mid-life crisis bull and go out and play the field...I'm too damn old for that as far as I'm concerned...
And maybe that sounds strange considering the day and age we are living in...But one thing about me is that I am who I am...And I'll be damned if I'll change for anyone...It's either a lifetime comittment or it ain't happening...
and I could care less who reads this...if anyone ever will...my thoughts are overwhelming me tonite...i had to stop what i was doing and get my head strait as if i ever will...and now i suppose if i want somewhere to sleep tonite...i better get back to what i was doing...altho i have no clue where i'm going to stack up all these damn boxes til he gets them outta here...according to the kids he says he's got nowhere to put his stuff...maybe he should have thought of that before he blew all his tax refund...hmph! which he got by claiming the kids that i have to raise more or less by myself now...*sigh*
