Drakus's blog: "housisms"

Housisms from Season 5

"The paperwork might be awkward. Primarily the stuff they make you fill out at the Unemployment office."
- Under My Skin

"Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"
- Under My Skin

"I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make sense, unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain."
- Under My Skin

"I think skinless women are hot."
- Under My Skin

"The irrational part of my brain thinks like the rational part of yours."
- Under My Skin

"Don't give me the cancer voice, the overly earnest tone - "
- Under My Skin

"Worse? Double death?"
- Under My Skin

"I've been popping pills for years; I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed."
- Under My Skin

"I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things."
- Under My Skin

"Time for a celebratory scotch... or three."
- Under My Skin

"See, the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named lation."
- Under My Skin

"Right, I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true, but gonorrhea fits better."
- Under My Skin

"I saw guilty in him; if he's not actually guilty, I wasn't right, I was lucky."
- Under My Skin

"You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma."
- Under My Skin

"Too bitter. I have plenty of bitter already."
- Under My Skin

"I need a script for sleeping pills. Neighbor's dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison."
- House Divided

"Wedding's in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant, buy Chase's body isn't mature enough to produce sperm."
- House Divided

"Of the two things I do well, bachelor parties rank towards the top."
- House Divided

"But I read a book on it eleven years ago; fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover..."
- House Divided

"It's like the zoo; Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want."
- House Divided

"You're not on the guest list. A bachelor party is an ancient and sacred male rite of passage."
- House Divided

"She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff."
- House Divided

"So...and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton trolling muck-covered pig the day before."
- House Divided

"Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers."
- House Divided

"Why would you remember that a stripper loved cats?"
- House Divided

"Old Testament, right? Ball for an ear."
- House Divided

"I'll blind him too, if he wants to experience that culture."
- House Divided

"My Patient is opting into a handicap; he's an insult to every other gimp out there."
- House Divided

"I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?"
- House Divided

"So I need to cancel the fart band?"
- House Divided

"I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion."
- House Divided

"Certainly explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening."
- House Divided

"Use the other bathroom; it's in the kitchen, looks like a sink."
- House Divided

"Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper."
- Saviors

"Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask if I'm okay."
- Saviors

"It would if Cameron hadn't already CT'd his head already; empty as her boyfriend's calendar."
- Saviors

"His history said the environmental kamikaze was single."
- Saviors

"Meet Mrs. Environmental nutbag."
- Saviors

"Double threat: eco-freak and deadbeat dad."
- Saviors

"Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means you know I'd find nothing... Or you know I'd find something, so you're hoping I'll assume the former and not bother to look."
- Saviors

"Mortality is mortality."
- Saviors

"A lot of STD's hang in the balance."
- Saviors

"I'm losing my mind and all you've got to say is, 'good?'"
- Saviors

"He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it."
- Saviors

"Why's our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?"
- Simple Explanation

"I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last patient."
- Simple Explanation

"Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony's back."
- Simple Explanation

Cuddy: "You broke into my files."
House: "I had no choice, personnel files are confidential."
- Simple Explanation

"I prefer the less subtle answer: 'You were right, House,'"
- Simple Explanation

"Draft Foreman, he can make calls through his tears."
- Simple Explanation

"You deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?"
- Simple Explanation

"Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking into your tea."
- Simple Explanation

"Hey Genius, I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Certain laws too."
- Locked In

"Can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. Meet my diagnostics posse: hot, dark and darker."
- Locked In

"His doctor's busy teaching him how to blink out 'kill me' in morse code."
- Locked In

"Apparently I underestimated your hubris. Don't worry; people do that to me all the time."
- Locked In

"Found you a late Victorian corset, I'll come by later and we can tie you up."
- Locked In

"How dare you use my logic against me?"
- Locked In

"You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. That's one of the ten reasons I think you may be a transvestite."
- Locked In

"Amazing. A man with only two words at his disposal can still lie."
- Locked In

"If he did, he would have hung a Mission Accomplished banner in my outer office."
- Locked In

"Fact that he stole your idea means he cares -- that's all I needed to know."
- Locked In

"You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions."
- Locked In

"The Democrats and their socialized medicine; I'm only allowed to waste useless tests on sick people."
- Here Kitty

"From now on, I'll use two markers -- only the green one will indicate irony."
- Here Kitty

"Have you tried to pee on yourself in public? Not easy."
- Here Kitty

"What are you worried about? You just get sued for the cost of treatment, maybe spend a night in jail for larceny. I have to tell one of my employees he was right."
- Here Kitty

"Cats make terrible doctors. Oh wait, I'm thinking of women; you're screwed."
- Here Kitty

"If you're here to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order."
- Here Kitty

"Of course I've heard of your cat. For a second, I was worried you were crazy."
- Here Kitty

"Can you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the prince of Nigeria."
- Here Kitty

"She's faking. The cat told me."
- Here Kitty

"But nutjobs get sick, too. Or Michael Jackson would still be a living human being."
- Here Kitty

"Anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice."
- Here Kitty

"Why didn't we listen to Ted Nugent? He tried to warn us, damnit."
- Here Kitty

"I know Goodbye Kitty is not going to predict anyone's death."
- Here Kitty

"When you don't die tonight, you'll have finally done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a... fireman."
- Here Kitty

"If only there was a 'lawsuit cat' who could warn you."
- Here Kitty

"It's not so much about 'caring' per se; more about me wondering why you're a credulous idiot."
- Here Kitty

"You think she's faking some stuff and not other stuff? Maybe she's an 'Unchausen?'"
- Here Kitty

"Weaklings and cowards generally make lousy employees."
- Here Kitty

"You'll note how Faster Pussycat Kill has snuggled up to coma guy."
- Here Kitty

"I do not believe in the oracat of Delphi."
- Here Kitty

"Love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap."
- Here Kitty

"The fish played so compellingly by Don Knotts?"
- Here Kitty

"You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one; photos on my blog."
- Here Kitty

"So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. Cool neighborhood adjacent."
- The Social Contract

"You're forty years old and you're the administrator of a hospital. People don't get personal with you -- except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. But this guy can only tell the truth. He prefers your body to that of a smokin' young hottie."
- The Social Contract

"It's amazing the way people cling to insults. Or what they think are insults."
- The Social Contract

"I'm not suggesting that like our patient, you are hiding a dark sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness..."
- The Social Contract

"Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice."
- The Social Contract

"Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it?"
- The Social Contract

"Cyrano de Berkowitz, let it go..."
- The Social Contract

"Relax, your nose isn't big, it's just conspicuous."
- The Social Contract

"If you were really a racquetball player, you probably would have noticed you're holding a squash racquet."
- The Social Contract

"Never trust a dog."
- The Social Contract

"What does that make you, a quadruple agent?"
- The Social Contract

"Once you've got a name it's amazing how much you can learn on the phone. Well, if you are a doctor and lie freely."
- The Social Contract

"I'm fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times."
- The Social Contract

"My standards of fun are not the norm."
- The Social Contract

"You developed your own people-pleasing skills the way an Olympic athlete develops his muscles."
- The Social Contract

"My patient had brain damage; I don't have that excuse..."
- The Social Contract

"It's kind of fun watching you torture yourself."
- The Social Contract

"Our new patient -- part girl, part boy, ALL Thirteen's dream date."
- The Softer Side

"Way to multi-task impress the boss and humiliate the ex."
- The Softer Side

"Who needs med school when you have WiFi?"
- The Softer Side

"Completely unfazed? You think I'm totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I'm anything less than half-fazed I actually find offensive and greatly fazes me."
- The Softer Side

"Without the Hoff it ain't Knight Rider."
- The Softer Side

"I think my penis stopped breathing; Do you know CPR?"
- The Softer Side

"I'm fine other than the fact that my nurple is now purple..."
- The Softer Side

"Back off; only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time."
- The Softer Side

"Unless the next stanza reads: ‘hoping to fry my brain to death/I smoked some primo crystal meth' - I'm not interested."
- The Softer Side

"Okay I admit it. I have bulimia. But I look good, don't I?"
- The Softer Side

"Stupid product: heroin without the high."
- The Softer Side

"I'm not breathing, but that's strictly voluntary."
- The Softer Side

"What I put in my body is my business; I don't give you grief over your vegetables."
- The Softer Side

"Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And don't sue for sexual harassment."
- The Softer Side

"Patient dead or do I need to do anything?"
- The Softer Side

"You gave birth to a freak of nature, doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one."
- The Softer Side

"This is the only me you get."
- The Softer Side

"Wow, wish I could but I've already put down a deposit on sixteen crates of jello."
- Unfaithful

"Religious hokum or sponge bath. Can I get back to you?"
- Unfaithful

"Let me put it in terms you might better understand: ‘If you don't split, you must quit'"
- Unfaithful

"You are a wuss: part wimp, part puss."
- Unfaithful

"World's most boring case just became a page turner and you want to tear out the last chapter?"
- Unfaithful

"Must be my lucky day; new symptom means old symptom was a real symptom and I get to keep our pederast priest after all."
- Unfaithful

"So the good news is he didn't have a heart attack. Bad new is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knew what a heart attack looks like."
- Unfaithful

"So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attack that wasn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome case or what?"
- Unfaithful

"And you don't want to work so just go buy me a lotto ticket. The sicker he gets the luckier I feel."
- Unfaithful

"She's trying to play me; if I let her succeed, then the terrorists win."
- Unfaithful

"So, other than it can't see, it's a perfectly good eye."
- Unfaithful

"I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit."
- Unfaithful

"Hey I was just talking about you. Well, not about you specifically -- about Whores and hypocrisy."
- Unfaithful

"Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids? They don't believe it but why do they want their kids to?"
- Unfaithful

"So the fact that it makes no sense makes sense?"
- Unfaithful

"Father Nietzsche has AIDS."
- Unfaithful

"I'm incapable of acting like a human being."
- Unfaithful

"Religion is not the opiate of the masses; religion is the placebo of the masses."
- Unfaithful

"The fact that I was wrong is NOT a proof of God."
- Unfaithful

"Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?"
- The Greater Good

"Just practicing for my clown college audition."
- The Greater Good

"Get a piece of her lung and stick it under a black light. If it glows, the sick children who need her souffle can breathe easier."
- The Greater Good

"I'm happy for you. Love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me...but I do have a birthday coming up."
- The Greater Good

"Oh thank you, RationalizationMan, you've saved the village."
- The Greater Good

"You don't need your coat to treat a tumor."
- The Greater Good

"By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them."
- The Greater Good

"Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss."
- The Greater Good

"Ebony and Ivory are joined at the hip."
- The Greater Good

"You broke the rules; your girlfriend went blind. When you gamble, you have to consider losing as one of the possibilities."
- The Greater Good

"So you did it because you love her -- but ironically, you never took her into consideration. I can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary."
- The Greater Good

"Ah the irony; maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early."
- The Greater Good

"I thought I'd never see you again, little little Greg. You heard me right."
- The Greater Good

"Yesterday you hate me, today you're crying on my shoulder; I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your Aunt Flow telling me that..."
- The Greater Good

"Yes ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever -- but frankly, not by all that much."
- The Greater Good

"In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie-dough ice cream and a DVD of 'Beaches.''"
- The Greater Good

"You really had no choice. On account of being an idiot."
- The Greater Good

"It's a locker room, how else are they gonna learn?"
- The Greater Good

"You exercise your new found power; I squirm under your thumb; resent the student becoming the teacher - then push comes to shove and we all realize what our real roles should be. And then you put out."
- Big Baby

"It's not an opinion, it's a smoke screen. Throw out a lame idea rather than agree with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that would confirm that he's boldly gone where no man has gone before."
- Big Baby

"So now you're agreeing? Either you broke up, or you folded because I gave you crap, or you actually agree."
- Big Baby

"Must be somebody's job to keep me from being reckless and irresponsible."
- Big Baby

"And just because I call him nobody, doesn't make me a racist."
- Big Baby

"...I need oral sex. It makes medical sense."
- Big Baby

"Figured if I asked for something really crazy she'd shoot me down, get the 'I can control House' thing out of her perky little system so the next time I went to her with something only marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable and she'd say 'yes.'"
- Big Baby

"Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?"
- Big Baby

"People don't die from peeing."
- Big Baby

"Please tell her that talking will ruin the test."
- Big Baby

"I never said her freaky personality's a symptom."
- Big Baby

"The brain's like the internet; packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaque in her brain from MS is like a bad server; cuts off the flow."
- Big Baby

"We could settle this with rock, paper, scissors. But, unfortunately, there are people who adjudicate these disputes."
- Big Baby

"I'm the last person you'd ever come to for ethical advice, which means you've already asked every other person. No one's given you the answer you want."
- Big Baby

"Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?"
- Big Baby

"Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient on the other hand is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually that idiot'll probably forgive you."
- Big Baby

"Can't give you the proof you want because it's trapped in her head, and the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out. Which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this or I do nothing."
- Big Baby

"I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on her way to being dead."
- Big Baby

"If this doesn't work, her spleen is all yours. Unless I kill her of course."
- Big Baby

"My old boss. And by 'old' I don't mean 'former.'"
- Big Baby

"Our patient loves all things annoying."
- Big Baby

"She's the earth mother, takes in the rejects and freaks of humanity and tells them they're A-okay. What was different?"
- Big Baby

"If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed."
- Big Baby

"Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli's cutting into your beauty sleep."
- Painless

"Proving that you're a better mom than a homeless drug addict."
- Painless

Cuddy: "House, I've got a DCFS home visit on Friday."
House: "And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on..."
- Painless

"This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors."
- Painless

"Gotta let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple."
- Painless

"No rush; already bathed once this week, wouldn't want to look elitist."
- Painless

"Yeah, because I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day."
- Painless

"Scent of a man. I realize you've never experienced it sober."
- Painless

"You want a man to put his finger there, gonna have to marry him first."
- Painless

"He's had multiple EEG's; all cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples."
- Painless

"Foreteen's right."
- Painless

"Come on, you're from one of the twelve tribes, you must know a ton of shysters."
- Painless

"Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy, how come they didn't
trigger a placebo effect?"
- Painless

"His idiot son distracted the orderlies so daddy deathwish could down a bottle of isopropyl."
- Painless

Taub: "Assuming you're right."
House: "Yes, I find it confusing to assume otherwise."
- Painless

"And if I really wanted to torture the patient, I'd manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you."
- Painless

"I think you got her in it because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex."
- Painless

 

"Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?"
- Joy To The World

"It's almost like you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say... Taub?"
- Joy To The World

"And depending where this school falls on the 'Heathers' scale..."
- Joy To The World

"When have teachers ever known how to motivate their students?"
- Joy To The World

"Why don't you hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? And by the way, that ending really made no sense at all."
- Joy To The World

"Have you checked the prices for Fireman strippers recently?"
- Joy To The World

"If I wanted gifts, I'd just look deeply into my patients' eyes and act like you. 'I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I make up for in --'"
- Joy To The World

"I'm physically incapable of being polite."
- Joy To The World

"Oh, I get it... you're trying to get me to prove you wrong, and then I'll be nice to all my patients this whole holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge."
- Joy To The World

"You're right; I'm a jerk."
- Joy To The World

"You know that from an anal swab? Man, you're good."
- Joy To The World

"I hate spunk."
- Joy To The World

"If you can't be nice, why bother being a doctor?"
- Joy To The World

"You keep showing up; you also keep leaving. It's possible you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It's also remotely possible I have that reversed."
- Joy To The World

"No, you weren't a loser in high school; every Tom, Dick and Hershel was wet-dreaming about you."
- Joy To The World

"You got any patients who aren't idiots?"
- Joy To The World

"Either you're telling the truth. Or you're playing chicken. Or you're really really dumb. Either way's pretty interesting."
- Joy To The World

"No point, I'm in an elevator. Can't run away."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in when you pass child bearing age."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Other than throwing off the Feng Shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Can someone please stop back seat differential-ating?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"My balls. Have you seen my balls? The giant one and the red one."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Everyone in this room knows exactly how this will play out. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable so I'll stop trying to make you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"I'm doing my famous impression of Socrates. Think I really nailed the accent."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Knew your ass was huge, didn't know it was also toxic."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"For evil to succeed, all it takes is for good men to do nothing."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Is that fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"If her brain's slowly turning into Swiss Cheese, not a whole lot we can do..."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me because you have the hots for me."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Why are you dressed like that? Why are you trying so hard to get my attention?"
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Sick people, who are sick enough to make it to me, don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yes technically more accurate."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"I'd give you an IV of the stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tube."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's better and you get more action."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"He should check his pants -- I think we might have an anal hygiene violation."
- Let Them Eat Cake

"That's a bathroom you're barricading. Might come in handy, especially since you've cleverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage."
- Last Resort

"You really think reenacting 'Dog Day Afternoon' is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting several hours in an uncomfortable chair but... you should watch the movie all the way through."
- Last Resort

"Me, I rarely kidnap people unless I've got a serious health problem."
- Last Resort

"Right, you just brush your teeth with coffee grounds."
- Last Resort

"She might be armed, maybe you should have her deliver it shirtless."
- Last Resort

"First rule of triage: guys with guns go first."
- Last Resort

"This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."
- Last Resort

"Wow, I would have laid money you had herpes."
- Last Resort

"If your life's no more important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."
- Last Resort

"Damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants."
- Last Resort

"The humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too many fingers and tubes up your holes? You hate doctors, want to take back control. If so, let me apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat."
- Last Resort

"I'm trying to decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker."
- Last Resort

"If you're saying you might have screwed this up because of your non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you."
- Last Resort

"Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America; makes up for the telemarketing work we're losing."
- Emancipation

"You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome -- and almost killed her in the process."
- Emancipation

"Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful."
- Emancipation

"Yesterday you were all BFF, today you think she's pathological."
- Emancipation

"Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or literal bell."
- Emancipation

"I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."
- Emancipation

"Just because we call something 'poison,' doesn't mean it's bad for you."
- Emancipation

"You didn't flinch when you found out a sixteen-year-old who should have her whole life ahead of her doesn't. Means you're here about someone even younger dying even faster."
- Emancipation

"Pot calling the kettle a pot?"
- Emancipation

"Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."
- Emancipation

"Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational or... 'stupid.'"
- Emancipation

"Emotional is immediate; if she went to the rational first, then there was no emotional to process."
- Emancipation

"You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because what? You broke their Faberge egg?"
- Emancipation

"Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand."
- The Itch

"There's a reason we evolved the feeling of awkwardness; it tells us not to talk about things."
- The Itch

"Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you."
- The Itch

"What else can I do? I'm gonna ignore her for the rest of my life."
- The Itch

"Yes, the large things in her bra."
- The Itch

"Yeah, I fiendishly hid it within the phrase 'I hit that.'"
- The Itch

"Pain changes things."
- The Itch

"And if the Crazy Fairy were here, she could grant them."
- The Itch

"You're nuts. Which makes me nuts for arguing with you."
- The Itch

"Whatever you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?"
- The Itch

"That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter."
- The Itch

"Please. Get a girlfriend or a life or something. For me."
- The Itch

"He's a lawyer, not an idiot."
- The Itch

"Hey, want to see if your client is actually made of money?"
- The Itch

"He likes to reenact the battle of Ypres three times a week, with real gas."
- The Itch

"What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."
- Joy

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor."
- Joy

"They've explained the return policy, right? It's worse than video games."
- Joy

"It's good news. The great news is she insists there's no way she's gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she shouldn't be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind, the only question is when."
- Joy

"Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."
- Joy

"Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."
- Joy

"There's no unconditional love, only unconditional need. Don't make a child a victim of your biological clock."
- Joy

"Wow, can you remove spleens with your mind, too?"
- Joy

"Judgments are never made in a vacuum."
- Joy

"Everybody's happy until they unwrap the pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa."
- Joy

"What we thought was either weirdness or maturity in the kid was just blandness."
- Joy

"Just because you can't feel pleasure doesn't mean you don't want it."
- Joy

"Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you're at the sweating blood stage."
- Joy

"But hey, there's more than one baby in the sea. World's full of teenage boys riding bareback."
- Joy

"What about me speeding away says to you: 'let's chat?'"
- Lucky Thirteen

"Oh my goodness, I played a practical joke on my best friend and he's badly injured, if only I'd learned this valuable lesson earlier."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Aww, yeah. Penthouse forum meets medical mystery -- maybe there is a god."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Empty, transient sex? I've been waiting for you to spin out of control ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks -- unless he's a she and she was there last night too in which case I care deeply."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis -- and no, that one's not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me, especially if you feel like kissing or groping or showering or..."
- Lucky Thirteen

"I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots."
- Lucky Thirteen

"You're just upset that the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing diagnostic skills."
- Lucky Thirteen

"People interest me. Conversations don't."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... just about anything."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Eight units in this building; gotta be a pervert like me living in at least one of 'em."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Haven't sat on this couch in four months. It still remembers my cheeks."
- Lucky Thirteen

"He's an idiot with a Messiah complex, savior to all who need saving; it's why his first wife had a wooden leg, it's why his second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Does the word 'fired' have a whole other definition that I'm not aware of?"
- Lucky Thirteen

"You had no choice; where do you go after fake hooker girlfriend?"
- Lucky Thirteen

"Oh my god, you invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero."
- Lucky Thirteen

"It was either this or put on 'Brian's Song,' but I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's."
- Lucky Thirteen

"It's like you and men. Just because you usually don't doesn't mean you can't."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Another life saved by girl on girl action."
- Lucky Thirteen

"Best nipples in Princeton."
- Lucky Thirteen

"I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow."
- Birthmarks

"Those Chinese surgeons make beautiful stitches with those tiny little hands."
- Birthmarks

"Eulogy, derived from the Greek for 'good word.' Now if she'd asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to."
- Birthmarks

"Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search."
- Birthmarks

"I'm a doctor; when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for pick up the damn phone before someone dies."
- Birthmarks

"It was a boring convention. I needed somebody to drink with."
- Birthmarks

"Forget Louisiana -- the man was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly donuts here?"
- Birthmarks

"All the neighbors were doing it. Keeping up with the Chenses."
- Birthmarks

"Let her vomit through the MRI, that's what nurses are for."
- Birthmarks

"Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby."
- Birthmarks

"Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. But I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by sticking a magnet up Buddha's butt."
- Birthmarks

"Are you kidding? She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents, but she's got documentation."
- Birthmarks

"You don't like her shoes, you like her legs."
- Adverse Events

"Not talking fever here, is she all curvy and perky?"
- Adverse Events

"Most idiots don't have that much ambition."
- Adverse Events

"But three unproven, untested drugs, it's like the Mod Squad -- no one can stop them."
- Adverse Events

"Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision."
- Adverse Events

"World's-sorest-knees-isil. Cuddy used to have that title by the way."
- Adverse Events

"I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end."
- Adverse Events

"That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down."
- Adverse Events

"On the other hand, figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the Photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper type either."
- Adverse Events

"A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind is actually good news."
- Not Cancer

"Which means we have to remove your whole head. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."
- Not Cancer

"What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?"
- Not Cancer

"Tell Foreman to get it: old people are scared of black people."
- Not Cancer

"There's the problem -- he only had half a brain."
- Not Cancer

"Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for 'screws around.'"
- Not Cancer

"Okay, it is a long shot but it's possible I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."
- Not Cancer

"You're taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust?"
- Not Cancer

"Do you have a different rate plan for being a pain in the ass?"
- Not Cancer

"You're a math teacher. I deduced you used to be a blind math teacher."
- Not Cancer

"She's not your type. Your type's much stupider than her."
- Not Cancer

"He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I dated her. Well, didn't really date her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Either she cracked under the whip, or she realized her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not castrate them."
- Dying Changes Everything

"My patient's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities -- if that isn't progress."
- Dying Changes Everything

"You can't hide from misery."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I respect things that earn respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't sweat it, it's new."
- Dying Changes Everything

"She dumped me after I lost those last eighty-five pounds. Said there was less of me to love."
- Dying Changes Everything

"Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head."
- Dying Changes Everything

"I like you better now that you're dying."
- Dying Changes Everything