Well, I've been stateside for 5 days. What can I say? The music is good on the radio, finally, the beer is cold. The steaks are outstanding. The driving, it takes a bit to get used to not be hitting the gas as soon as I get out of the driveway. I only caught myself doing 75 in a 25 once today.
I've fought with Steph a few times. Had a couple of semi-productive conversations. Mostly, she has gone off to do her thing. She has made a few revelations I had thought of, but thought they were too out there for her.
As for me, I'm getting by.
I hit the brickwall the first night. She said something, and it just hit me the wrong way, and I had to deal with all of the feelings I had put away to the side all at once. I knew it was going to happen, but it was not something I could have been prepared for. I exploded, in front of her friends, and neighbors. I am still surprised the MPs were not called on me that night. That was Wednesday night, and I TRIED TO GET DRUNK. I drank a crap load, and couldn't get the feeling I was looking for. How was I to know that that feeling was something I could not find in a bottle.
The closest I have come to that feeling was riding around with Eli when he was doing the Daddy why questions.
I have spent far too much money on the boys. I haven't really bought much, but spent the money. I did spend some money on me. I bought me a new Ruger 10/22 .22LR rifle. It replaced the one stolen from me on Valentine's Day 1998. Now I just need the danged pistol range to open again so I can shoot it. I also need to buy some .40 S&W ammo so I can shoot my baby.
Well, I am off to see if I can get some sleep. It has not been coming easily to me. I wake up too early, and toss and turn all night. maybe I just need to learn what I have to learn, do what I have to do, and get on with my life. Maybe I'm making a start towards that, I do not know, but there are more obstacles in my path, and more roads to take. I'm going to take them, and do what I can.
I am enjoying my time with the boys, and am drinking far too much. Good news, I managed to fit into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to in over 2 years. Now I just need to work on toning up what I got.