dying from the inssdie out
..... *sigh* im sitting here and pondering life. i thought of all the good things that i have and the loved ones like family and friends. but then i thought even with all them around me, i feel utterly alone and lost. i started crying at work today for no reason at all. i have no idea why, i just did. i had this epiphany that no matter how much someone claims to be my friend or care about me, they could fuck me off real quick and then i'd just be left standing there with a dumbfounded look on my face. i dont like that feeling. thinking that i dont really know who will be there in the end. im so freaking confused. i am only 21 but i have lived through more then any 21 year old should have to. its like my brain is 40 in the body of a 21 year old. makes it so much more confusing....
im by no means conventional, ordinary or normal. from the way i was raised to this very second of today my life has been this winding spiral of let downs and kicks to the face. i was taught at a young age that you cannot count on anyone but yourself, not even family. friends come and go and generally they are just acquaintances for the time being until they vanish. so how do you look at life like the glass is half full, when it has a leak on the bottom and you see it dripping out? you know its half empty and only going to soon be gone...
when i look back at the so called friends that i have had- i see that most of them have fucked me off and didnt even care. there was some bullshit reason that they used to justify it to themselves. i have a couple in my mind(and you know who you are) that have not done this. and i guess out of the 100's of peopel i have met being able to say that i had/have a hanful that i can call a real friend is better then some people ever get. so for that i am greatful. but why does the bad have to alwyas out weigh the good?
i feel like my family is scattered and torn. "fend for yourself" kinda deal. and that breaks my heart. i know that it should not be that way. i am so envious when i see families that care and are really there for one another. I WANT THAT!!! i want to be able to go cry on my dads shoulder and tell him that i cant handle life right now. i wanna come home and need help. but i cant. "IM APRIL.. DONT YOU KNOW?!?!? THE STRONG AND INDEPENDANT ONE. THE DAUGHTER THAT DID IT ALL ON HER OWN AND NEVER LOOKED BACK..." but i do look back.. *cries* i look back everyday at the mistakes that i have made. i have no regrets. i am the girl that i became today by living what i have, and i do like me... but god do i wish i could just once be weak, be aloud to cry and ask for help. *sigh* but that is not me.. not april-ish.
have you ever loved someone so bad that it fucking hurt? after loosing them over and over repeatedly, you eventually become numb to the world. its like you dont fucking care about anyone or anything anymore? you just want the world to hurt as much as you do and so you do everyting in your power to make it so?!?!? i have, that is where i am at. how many more people have to feel my rath before my empty hole of a heart is filled and the pieces put back together? how much more pain do i have to feel? how much more can i take? does anyone have the answers?!? i dont... every day, every hour, every monute, every second that goes by i loose a piece of myslef. im dying from the inside out.
