By Chrissy Coleman
Ask, "What’s Wrong?" and the reply is, "Nothing . . ." followed by deafening silence that means anything but nothing. Then a few minutes, hours or days later, hurtful remarks are fired at you from out of the blue.
It is difficult to deal with passive-aggressive behavior, but you’ll find that a few moments spent defusing the situation will improve the quality of your relationship.
Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior, at its heart, is the display of poor communication skills: a person feels unhappy or frustrated but is unable to express those emotions clearly and openly. Instead, the feelings seep out in maladaptive ways. Ironically, there is often a strong desire in a passive-aggressive person to become closer to their partner; however, their behavior tends to drive the partner away, adding fuel to the fires of frustration.
Passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship rarely appears overnight. Usually it is part of a person’s personality, an emotional coping mechanism used for a long time. If a person grew up in a household in which the expression of any negative emotion was discouraged, frustration may have been routinely repressed until reaching a critical point. When negative emotions are more uncomfortable to stifle than the risk of expression, a volcanic explosion may occur – fiery, mean-spirited verbal attacks and/or periods of withdrawal or pouting.
Passive-aggressive coping mechanisms often are learned from others who have accepted this maladaptive communication style as the norm. These “models” could be parents, siblings, friends, and even past partners. Passive-aggressive behavior may be part of a dependent personality or an all-or-nothing approach to life.
However the communication style developed, the good news is that passive-aggressive behavior does not make a person bad—but it does make for a person who has work to do in the area of interpersonal communication and self-esteem. In a healthy relationship both partners feel as though they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings — including fears and frustrations — and that those thoughts and feelings will be taken seriously by the other. Working on correcting passive-aggressive tendencies will make for a more emotionally stable and healthy relationship.
Here is a guide to defusing the top two passive-aggressive behaviors in relationships:
1. The Silent Treatment
S/he says . . . "Nothing…" in response to “What’s wrong?”, while looking sad and moping about.
S/he means . . . I am upset about something, but I am afraid to express myself because I do not want to jeopardize the bond we share. I would really like you to inquire about what’s wrong and pay attention to what I have to say because it’s important to me. I feel more comfortable with you approaching me gently and with compassion. In nonverbal ways I’ll ask you to approach me. I need your undivided attention and lots of compassion as you listen to my concerns. I’ll repeat my non-verbal behavior until I am absolutely sure that I have your attention. I really want you to understand and be respectful of my needs.
What to do . . . The first few times you recognize this behavior, play by the rules s/he needs in order to open up. It may seem like a hassle, especially if it happens a lot, but realize that this person you love and care for is uncomfortable and is asking for your help. Give your undivided attention, and make a concerted effort to understand. Because the behavior most likely stems from having a hard time dealing with negative emotions felt toward someone loved, constant reassurance will be needed as the good habit of comfortably expressing frustrations and fears develops.
2. Emotional Dart Throwing
S/he says . . . One-liners full of blame and accusations and appears anxious and angry. S/he may be unable to make eye contact while delivering these barbs, and so appears to be focused on other tasks, such as reading a magazine in the passenger side of a car while on a long day trip or performing small chores around the house. Or s/he may make an intense and direct assault, followed by tears and apologies.
S/he means . . . I am really frustrated by something that you’re doing (or not doing). I have been frustrated for some time but haven’t said anything -- or if I did it was only a hint because I was afraid of "rocking the boat." Now this frustration is absolutely intolerable. My emotions are so intense I feel like I could burst and I feel really bad about it.
What to do . . . Even though it’s hard to stay calm when your partner is reciting a laundry list of everything that’s wrong with you, try not to overreact. Hear out the criticisms with undivided attention. Reassure your partner that you love her/him and that any concern that s/he takes seriously is a concern that you do as well. Encourage calmness. Resist the urge to be defensive, even if it seems warranted; also refrain from asking the question that may be obvious to you: "But why didn’t you say anything until now?" S/he has a hard time expressing negative emotions, so compassion toward this inability is necessary.
If your partner has been bottling frustrations for a while the outburst may seem monumental for both of you. Instead of turning an outburst into a large argument and more hurt (which will only reinforce notions that negative emotions are damaging), use it as an opportunity to help teach your partner that your relationship is a safe place to express anything. The safer s/he feels, the less passive-aggressive behavior there will be in the relationship. There still may be disagreements, but they will be handled with maturity and in less hurtful ways.
