Over 16,533,348 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Am I the only one who has ever gone through life making one bad decision after another, with no regard to the consequences? To those on the outside, it may seem that I have my life together, but I am a mess, and have been for a long time, longer than i care to admit.
I was not ready to take on the responsibilities that come with adulthood, marriage, parenthood...I had some twisted, overly-optimistic vision in my head of how everything would work out~people get married, have kids, buy houses,every day...it's what adults do, right?
The problem is that I didn't take into account my husbands' feelings about anything. I took advantage of his generosity, his willingness to make me happy, and in turn completely ruined him as a person. I took someone who was fun-loving, exciting, laid-back, full of life and turned them into someone who hates his wife, his family, his life. I can't believe i have become that person. What gave me the right to do that?
It's devestating to know that someone who once loved you looks at you with hate, and resentment. This isn't what i pictured when i got married, and it's my fault. I need him more than he could ever need me, and therein lies a huge problem. There can be no partnership, no teamwork, no love, when one person is dependant on another.
So what do I do? Financially, I am ruined, we are ruined. I can't afford to move out, with 4 children, let alone move out just by myself. I just found out i have a heart condition, and i dont' know how serious it is. I know that he hates that, because he sees me as a burden. Who wants to be seen as a burden to their significant other?
Do we live together but seperately?
I wish i could go back in time and talk to my 22 year old self, and say 'you aren't ready for this. Just because other people get married, you don't have to. " And my 24 year old self....'you aren't ready to be a mother. Your husband never wants kids. rethink this. make the right decision'.
Even things as seemingly simple as getting a haircut, i didnt' even take his feelings into account. I know he hates short hair. But I still got it cut,and now when he looks at me all he sees is a dyke. How's that for a blow to one's ego~to know that your husband isn't even attracted to you anymore?
I just know that i can't continue down this path anymore, something has to change. Either i have to make changes in myself, or change my situation. But my heart is broken and I can't go through my life being broken.
