Bumper Sticker Suggestions
1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm. I the process, the condom slipped off. The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."
10 ways you know you've had good sex....
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.
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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I'm fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn't fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."
It can be political -- "Fuck Bush!"
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Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
Bill: "Why is that?"
Bob: "I've been screwing his wife."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring
the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of
exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."
"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think
you're going?"
"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Just turn over."
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A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."
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Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak
They would automatically shut off when they weren't
being used.
You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after
each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period
and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don't mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.
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Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is
from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.
A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's
about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and
say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another
woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all
types."
Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is
wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser
method."
The man from California asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how
many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."
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Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked.
"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
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THREE LITTLE WORDS
What 3 words would women hate the most during GOOD sex?
"Honey, I'm Home"
Male Instructional Guide For Relationships
The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.,
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior
in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back
when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and beg an to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I
didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self
righteously.
"Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
