>> Chili Cook-Off
>>
>>
>>
>> If you can read this whole story without laughing,
>> then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>> This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in
>> Texas.
>>
>>
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
>>
>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.They
>> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
>> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
>> the San Antonio City Park.
>>
>>
>>
>> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
>> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>
>>
>>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>> judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
>> moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
>> for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
>> be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
>> during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>>
>>
>>
>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
>> this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
>> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's th e worst
>> one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>> when they saw the look on my face.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>> all of the beer.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>
>> Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
>> to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>> aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off m y forehead and I
>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
>> paramedics. The contestant
>> seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
>> Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
>> the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
>> that the other judges asked me
>> to stop screaming. Screw them.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>> Good balance of spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
>> Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
>> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
>> with a snow cone.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
>> on canned peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>> chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried
>> about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
>> uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
>> pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
>> they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too
>> painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
>> just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
>> if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
>> really hot chili?
>> Judge # 3 - No Report