75 days old and climbing
Addict name Carlton. I know a lot those who are reading this 4 the first time probably don’t understand why I am identifying myself as an addict. In actuality I am exposing the former me. This allows me to never forget where I came from. I’m also admitting to myself and God, I was a fucked up person and I must surrender my old behaviors in order to mature. Anyone who is in or familiar with a 12 step program can relate. For those who still don’t understand u keep reading and you might see how much better I am. I grateful today and I love myself regardless of others opinions of me.
I must make people aware I am not stupid. I know where this acknowledgement is accepted other then by me and the fellowship of any 12 step program. I wouldn’t dare go to a church, stand up in front of a congregation, and say I am an Addict name Carlton. Sometimes words could assassinate me and people don’t even try to find out who I am or was. Their 1st instinct will be, take the focus off their self and investigate me, because I’m talking crazy and reckless, in their eyes. The congregation would definitely turn into a jury prosecuting me with their eyes and with the other members verbally. I would be lucky if one person out of the whole congregation, pastor included, verdict won’t be guilty. Sad part about it they won’t even envision or believe all I he did was drugs. Immediately, they would attach murder, theft, lying, and all sorts of outrageous crimes to my resume. Not to mention I am not only an addict, but would be a fiend of some kind, junkie, dope-head, crack-head or etc. You can call me what you want, but I will be damn if I am going to believe it. I am comfortable with thy self today and have been for 75 days now. Most definitely they will do everything in power to force me to feel uncomfortable. Instantly all bags and/or valuables will be guarded, if they don’t disappear out of sight. No need to blame them for their common people skills they fail to demonstrate. Hear the word or being in the company of an addict is uncomfortable for some people. Those who had experiences with an addict whether it was a friend, family member, or stranger, normally didn’t have pleasant stories about us. Some people were victimized by us. We, yes us, destroyed their trust in us or someone like us, emotions, support and love. And remember it didn’t have to be done by me or you. They don’t know any other way to act but defensively. I understand their lack of empathy comes with the territory
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Life has always been funny for me not to me. If you are like me, you probably never noticed how people consider us jokes. They laugh at us or I when I felt I was feeling good and I figured the world didn’t notice me caught up in the grip of my compulsive obsession. I may have been geeking or my orchestrating my version of the soul train dance line doing “the dope dance.” And people found that shit amusing. They thought my efforts to get one more by any means were a joke. When I was selling the most unlikely of things or doing some of the most unthinkable jobs, it was degrading to me, funny to them, but my disease told me “at least you will be able to get one more, fuck what they think.” I ran on that thought and continued to bury my pride in the concrete. It wasn’t any fun when I, the nose candy seeker, the crack head, or the fiend made them the victim. Then they were looking for mercy or sympathy of course. I never forget how people assassinated, tortured and/or misinterpreted character to others, who thought they knew me better then that. They beat me down worst when they talk about how I wasted MY MONEY. Especially, if they gave it to me. I never understood or cared why they would give it me or buy shit I was selling and they wanted. I didn’t even understand why they would buy their shit back or they peoples shit and never inquire about it being whoever.
Yes, we as addicts have wasted not just our money, time, physical and mental abilities to live comfortably. But here is the flip side, a lot of people do the same thing and don’t use any more or have never used. They waste their time when they talk about us and don’t try to help us. Help us don’t mean beating us up for how disable we were at the time. I talking about myself, remember that. Let’s not talk about the energy they wasted when they dwelled on I brought and couldn’t enjoy later. They should to think about what they brought or buy and can’t enjoy later. Most times they waste money, bitch about me. I recognize today they are trying to take the focus off themselves. Of course it is not on the same level, but it is not that much different. If you wasting your money on people, places and things then it is safe to say you are acting like an active addict. So what you might not geek or do the dope dance, obsessive and compulsive behavior is results of the disease. Since they won’t accept that fact I expect them remain in denial (don’t even know I am lying). I will be the first to tell them they addicts as well. They should keep the focus on themselves because it can happen to anybody and don’t have to include any use of drug or alcohol. This is just a character defect that’s like having a built in switch we fight with for control over.
When I was an active addict I chased feelings and looked for different results from many different drugs and/or alcohol. I could get one or 1,000, as long as one of them satisfied me I was content for that moment and on the prowl hunting again. Although, drugs left me with nothing of value, but looking scarred, busted up, and transforming into someone uncomfortable, some of us go thru the same thing without using. Yes, you may have materialistic shit to show the world, but are you happy, because you have it and went thru hell to keep it? The evidence of addiction is a disease, it has no different affect on someone who don’t use. Meaning, when someone recovering or never used, are unmanageable they behavior is obsessive and compulsive. They chase feelings the same way and their drug of choice is lavishing and/or materialistic things. They get a thrill or an odd feeling in their gut when they purchase or just see items they claim they are going to get one day. Their wish list is like fiending. They consider it acceptable. I probably would to, but what happens when the newness ware off? Most times that is when misery or mood changes occur (you broke due to the actions of buying or hating because someone else can and you can’t). Compulsiveness introduces anyone to reality and this time normally comes after the first or next Payment is required, if not over a period of time and payments force a person to be broke. Not being use to living from paycheck to paycheck because of acting on the obsession knowing is was unaffordable. At this point most of us justify it with, at least I have it and if I was using I wouldn’t have it to show. Certainly, true, most times the disease tricks your ass and forces you to put on that mask. Never once trying to come to grips with I Can’t Afford This Shit enters their mind. So, what’s next? Go on to the bitter ends, repossession, collections, eviction (foreclose), or bankruptcy. There is an old recycled statement used very frequently in America, “I don’t like paying bills”! Normally, when u don’t like doing something u don’t do it or procrastinate (don’t pay on time or at all). So not realize what comes from that disease can make u look like using and all u doing is stressing out. Changing from Dr. Jeckle to Mr. Hyde in a heartbeat, becoming short tempered and uncommunicative is common when dealing with life on life matters without the use of drugs to hide behind or blame. Not once do they feel or notice they were unmanageable and became powerless to their bills. And like Addicts they sometimes fight surrendering, because they don’t know what will happen or feel nothing will happen, if they run to their Higher Power. I bet it is not funny to them and they not even using. That might be why they try to take the focus off themselves, because they believe their goes somebody doing worst then themselves.
Now I understand why people bitch about being responsible. They hate the pressure with bills and responsibilities they never choose to identify or incorporate in their process. People talk about addicts doesn’t get any sleep, due to their chasing. What about when u is not using and can’t sleep because the phone is ringing all times of the night? How does it feel afraid to answer the phone, because u doesn’t want to talk about your agreement and don’t want become responsible. In actuality, you are freely hiding from an unknown person inquiring about their money. That is like, if you owe someone on the street and avoid the areas you know they going to be at, because you don’t want to live up to responsibility. Certainly, you don’t want to admit you are unable to pay them, because that admits you are powerless. How does it feel when the mail man is feared like a loan shark’s goons? Can’t stand to see a turn off notice, eviction of property, or final notice, because that make you have to wake up and admit you need help. Can’t even stop crying at night even if no one hears you, because you are afraid of what they might say about you. Don’t even want to inquire about your health when the pounds start to make you look like you weight ounces. Then when the doctor tells you about your blood pressure is too high, you got to blame it one someone, so stress becomes the corporate. No if you really want to face it your irresponsible ass due to obsession compulsive disease is the reason you don’t want to face. So fucked up can’t find a reason to laugh, because your not in a joking mood.
Now I can’t say I was talking about me, because I don’t want to exercise that turn, because I fear owing people. Hell, I don’t even have my shit that I put in storage, because I didn’t want to pay the bill. This went the same way with paying my utilities and rent. Hell the disease don’t compromise and suggest u postpone getting one more and pay shit. Yeah, you pay someone alright, The Drug Dealer. I never tried to use the word credit when I was copping, because I feared them goons, who would put their life on hold for him and try to kill me. Notice, I said I didn’t fear him, but his goons, because most of these youngins wasn’t bold enough to come after their money. They too got issues anytime they hide behind their goons. Since they got the game twisted, they find dummies, who don’t use their mind or understand murder is a crime and they built prisons to house their asses. I haven’t seen a bill collector doing nothing more then sending out intimidating letters before they take you too court or send repo men to get their shit. I see why some people run from their phone, hide their rides, hide behind the curtains when someone knock at their door certain times of the day, or walk pass their mail box because it is something about when the disease make you feel powerless with or without drugs. I don't want to be looking for suggestions how to handle my mismanagement with bills, so i take people advice and don't live above my fuckin means. Hell i could baily afford using at times, so i don't intent to make material shit my new drug.
