1) If you’re overweight to the point that your gut sticks out further than your breasts, you should definitely be wearing that tube top.
2) Claim you “recently quit” and that you only smoke socially while bumming half a pack of cigarettes.
3) Arrange a night of dancing with the girls. Ask why I’m laughing after telling me your plans. Wonder why there are no good straight dancers.
4) Go out to a group dinner. Take 20 minutes to divvy up the check. Pay less than what you owe.
5) Don’t tip your bartender; it’s so crowded in here they’ll never notice.
6) When tending bar, get drunker than your patrons. They’ll never notice.
7) Charge more than $5 for a domestic beer.
8) When ordering rounds, be the last guy in the rotation so that your friends will be too drunk to realize you haven’t gotten a round yet.
9) Only drink wine.
10) If a friend has dragged you to a bar you don’t particularly like, don’t even make an attempt to enjoy yourself.
11) Hang out on the wrong parts of town.
12) This is very important: Don’t even think about RSVPing for a party. No one cool RSVPs, anyway. When invited to a house party, don’t show up. To really make an impression, show your friends just how much you care by saying you’ll come and then don’t bother.
13) If a bouncer rejects your fake, argue with them. You’re obviously more qualified for the job than they are.
14) Enjoy dimly-lit, ridiculously crowded watering holes with music so loud you’ll break your larynx attempting to talk. Bonus: Scream/sing “Livin’ on a Prayer” at 3 a.m. with 100 people you’ve never met. Double bonus: Secretly look forward to doing so. Triple bonus: Pay a $20 cover.
15) Be really bad at karaoke and sign up for 18 songs. Bonus: Boo someone you don’t know.
16) Play pool when the bar is clearly too crowded. Ask me to move out of your cue’s way.
17) If you’re a bar, have a bathroom attendant. Bonus: Talk to me while I’m relieving myself.
18) Don’t leave the confines of your social circle. Question why no members of the opposite sex are talking to you.
19) Wake up with a massive hangover and claim you’re never drinking again. Bonus: You really mean it this time.
