It has to be said that I am glad I did not have children. The reason has struck home with a thud, well one reason anyway.
I am currently compiling a glossary for some people in Goa whose English is not advanced and especially whose English would not fathom any new words because I like making up words. It amuses me.
What I never realised, having looked through the text, is that I use words without thinking and that is nothing to do with speaking before thinking. It is a case of you use a word and do not really know the exact dictionary definition of it. So when someone asks what a word means there is much head scratching and a long sentence is carried out. Prison would be easier than having to root through the white matter, grey matter and Oxford English Dictionary because you come to realise that you do not actually know the meaning of the word. Not enough to give an explicit explanation. Tut, I mean exact. See what I mean.
I blame my Mother, sorry mum but this time she would have reason to feel guilty. Last time she felt guilty was when she read the acknowledgements in said text. It thanked all those people WHO DID NOT HELP ME over the last two years. Reasons are not necessary because when help is not forthcoming a determination sets in and more is discovered thus way. When she read this she asked if it referred to her. I could not believe she thought that but she was not instrumental in creating the book except for the fact that she was involved in my procreation. This goes without saying, in other words it does not need to be said.
However, that is as far as she got with reading it and some of the excuses, well stretch the believable is putting it mildly. I guess as we age we need a good light to read by but the sun does shine more down south. Oh I guess it is too cold to sit outside in the garden during the winter even though it is warmer down south and I sent her a parcel of thermals. Only joking but not about the thermals. I think they are more useful than perfume to someone who has no central heating. Maybe I should have sent some light bulbs and then the other excuse would be more appropriate, I can't find anywhere comfortable to sit. Well, I guess that is true when you live in a magpie's nest. No my Mother is not a Magpie in the genetic sense of the word, just a hoarder of the unnecessary, which annoys my brother no end.
Back to the text and the translation, this probably needs translating but in a nutshell had my Mother not sent me to a good school for which my Father paid the fees and made me study the English Language, not very well by the sounds of it - me studying that is, then I would not have been in a position to even sit down and write a comprehendible sentence. Looking at this I can see that the latter is almost the case now. No doubt spellchequer will tell me I am being passive but then who cares because I would have to translate that and finding it impossible I would become very impassive.
Ah, if only I had not given the boys a copy of the text then I would not have thought about it or spent two days re-reading the pesky text only to discover that I have no idea where the ideas came from or why I used such obscure words in the first place. They must have sounded good, oh except on glaring word that I totally misinterpreted and the whole thing is wrong now because of that but I could not really care much about it because it is pure fantasy and poetic justice will not be meted out because poetic license was not granted but that great judge of grammar, Mother. Hey, she has not read it anyway so what on earth am I worried about and anyway the boys will probably not realise that it is wrong, because I did not and I KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH. Well, I thought I did but then I am only mortal and not perfect. No, I am an imperfect alien, trying to educate perfect earthly aliens about something I know nothing about. And if there is a double negative there then just put it down to double nintendos - two Intended Negatives, make one Unintelligible Positive.
Try explaining that to a child, I would not know where to begin!!!!
As with all things, help was at hand and a lovely person is currently looking at it all with a puzzled look on his face whilst he tries to figure out what the whole thing is about and he is an intelligent, well educated adult but not from England so he has been educated to a higher standard anyway. I just hope he does not know what impassive is or he might get very cross with me for my gaffes. Ah, I am just thankful that he will read it before my Mother because at least I will be ready to defend all my gaffes in the knowledge that at least someone was tolerant of my English shortcomings. Amen to that, Why did I just say that? Maybe to put an end to this drivel.
