Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 6"

                                          MONDAY'S JOKE

                                Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

  TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark

Februark

Mak

Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak

Mondak

Tuesdak

Wednesdak

Thursdak

Fridak

Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.  Have a nice dak!!!       ****************************************************************************************************
                                          TUESDAY'S JOKE

                                            Work Blows

 What's the difference between a wife and a job? 

After ten years the job still sucks! 
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                                    Office English Dictionary 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name'.

Idea Hamsters: People whoalways seem to have their idea generators running.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. 

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

 Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 
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                                         THURSDAY'S JOKE

                                            Firetruck

 A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles. 
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" 
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                                          FRIDAY'S JOKE

                                          Barracks Door

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.                            ****************************************************************************************************
                                          SATURDAY'S JOKES

                                       The difference in words

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality? Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?-  Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity,  tells the wife. Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room. Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $! Eldest son thinks a little and replies:- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep with him. Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains to him:- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay teenager

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                                   A cowboy caught by the Indians

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.The Chief comes up to him and asks:- What do you want for your first wish?- I want talk to my horse, “ replies the cowboy.The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.The Chief asks him once again:- What do you want for your second wish?- I want to talk to my horse, “ once again replies the cowboy.Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:- So, what do you want for your last third wish?- I want to talk to my horse, “ for the third time replies the cowboy.He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                 The Reason I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment.†After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday†and there on the couch I sat¦ naked.