thoughts on life, I wrote about 4 years ago....
Some things have recently come to my attention that I feel the need speak my mind on. The first of which is parenting, and the actions of some single parents. I guess the relationship between my ex-wife and mine is a little different then most, and my views and being a father. I remember when she was pregnant, and I told myself I would never be a bad father. Sad to say, the path I was taking was exactly the one that would have made me a bad one, now I have to spend a lot of time away from my son, but I feel that the reasons I am doing so are good ones. The initial reason sucked, I mean, who wants to have a DUI take them away from their children, but it had some good aspects to it. I mean, it put a huge flag in front of me saying "look, you fucking retard, you are turning into your father, wanna be dead before you are 45?". So now I am fixing myself, and hopefully in the end it will all turn out for the better. Now, to get on with it, people always say to me, "wow, you must be a great father" well, I don't really know about all that, all I can say is I tried, sometimes really hard, other times not hard enough, but I did try. Still do. Does that mean I am going to automatically be the "daddy" to your children? No, I will not, what is a possibility, though, is that I will not shut the possibility of a happy life out because a mother is single. But don't blame me if I don't feel comfortable getting close to children at first, it isn't my dislike of children, I love them, it is the fact that kids will suffer those actions. I don't want to have someone date me or stay with me because me and their child/children are close. See that often, and it irritates the living hell out of me. That is the same as staying in a horrible marriage because of the children, it isn't healthy. The biggest question that is raised in my mind is where is the father, often times he isn't the least bit interested, but I know sometimes that isn't the case. I know someone who has an infant, and they would always tell me that the father was a shitty one, yet they are in a custody battle with them, me personally, I wouldn't try to get custody of a child that was better off with their mother, now I know I am not typical in that sense, but come on. And sorry that women think men do it just to hurt the women, that isn't very well thought out on either end. We all make mistakes, and the fathers that weren't there, quite possibly had very good reasons for that. Did it ever occur that they are trying to make ammends, and that they want to be back in their childrens lives again? Why would you keep a child from a father that is trying, and if it is his only child, maybe he doesn't know what to do, and is scared of being a parent, but is trying to learn. For crying out loud, he wants to be "Daddy", not some guy that had nothing to do with the child until he entered your life. Isn't it just possible that it should be the child decision? It was mine, my mother made it quite plan that she never expected me to call my step-father Dad, nor did I, I had my own dad, he wasn't the greatest, but he was. Now I am not saying that this is true in every case, but some of it is true in every case. Your hatred of the father of your children should not come between the relationship between father and child.
Another thing, all of you men that think being a father is easy, it isn't, it's a lot of responsibility, why do you think all these fathers are missing? Having a child call you Daddy is a priviledge, and not just a nice word to try on and say it's cool to impress your homies. It amazes me all the people I know that have known someone a few weeks, and decide that they are going to be together forever (that's a myth, think about all the forevers you have already had) and then decide that they are Daddies. Whoah Nelly, not so fast, what are you going to do when that child calls you daddy, and you aren't even there a year later? Who is confused now? Not you, you have already moved on, huh? I found myself starting to do that, and it made me quite uncomfortable when I actually thought about it. The way to a woman's heart should never be through her children, what normally works is being yourself, and letting her get to know you. At the same time, you are getting to know her, right? So, hmmmm, works two ways, wow, what a coincidence.
Trust me on the fact that women aren't always who you thought they were, I tend to find that out the hard way, and it doesn't feel very well. While you may think she was done with the ex, not necessarily true, why don't you ask her to tell you what she is honestly telling him, to make him stay around for so long, when she is supposedly with you? Think it is really for her friendship, hmmmm, she's probably leading him on. Trust me, they get pissed when you realize that you are being led, and want no further part of that. That's when they start their little stories of how you cry to them, and that "he won't leave me alone". Now some of it is true, I'm sure, but why for so long? Wouldn't it make just a little bit of sense that she was telling him something? I don't know, maybe I am crazy, but it would make more sense then, well, we were friends, but then he started getting all psycho on me. Would probably be a safe assumption that she was feeding him a whole line the whole time. This subject brings someone who used to be very close to mind, because as I think about it, she once did the same thing with me, and then she was not with the guy anymore, and was with me. Hmmmm, then, we broke up, and now it would appear that she is doing the very same thing to someone else, lol, how funny life's little patterns are. Maybe I am mistaken about that as well, but I doubt it. I have found I am not very far off the mark when I get like this. Well, I guess that will be enough of my rambling for now, I am getting tired, and I should probably get some sleep soon
