I hate when I get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and eat a whole pizza.

The hardest thing about beginning a new relationship has got to be learning to fart quietly again.

I would love you, no matter what. Even if you were to fart in your sleep.

My girlfriend and I are very competitive. We laugh about it, but I laugh more!

You know what? The zoo is the best place to fart!

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means

"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

The average person farts 14 times a day! Finally I am above average at something!!

Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here

Hormel Foods made its first batch of Spam in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food they announced they will be making their second batch later next week.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment. because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

If 2020 were a drink, it would be a Colonoscopy Prep!

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was

it’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

I was drinking at a bar then I took the bus home. That may not seem very odd to you but I've never driven a bus before!