Underwear Goes Inside Your Pants

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Update your profile Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? 80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt? You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?" Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is: people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs? What's going to happen to our porno industry? These women don't just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection? Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not masterminds. "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?" "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just:" "Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?" Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day. The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004. "How'd you get through it grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere." Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle. I'll sit at a drive thru. I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There's room in the back. Take it! Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents. Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think, "You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them." We're in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date. I'm predicting some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books.

I'm paralyzed Just listening to you Now I am receptive I know you sleep So sound every night And you are deceptive It always feels good to be right And if it helps you sleep at night Ill tell you what you want to hear And act like I care

This one came from looking This one opened twice These two seemed smooth as silk Flush against my eyes This one needed stitches And this one came from rings This one isn't even there But I feel it more because you don't care Yeah, cut right into me Yeah because I am made of scars Yes, I am made of scars This one had it coming This one found a vein This one was an accident But never gave me pain This one was my father's And this one you can't see This one had me scared to death But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead Yeah, cut right into me Yeah because I am made of scars Yes, I am made of scars, yeah God, don't you believe the hype God, don't you believe the hype God, don't you believe the hype Don't you believe the hype Don't believe, don't believe And I will find a way Everything you are, I will betray I swear that I will find a way Everything you are is inside of me This one was the first one This one had a vice This one here, I like to rub On dark and stormy nights This one was the last one I don't remember how But I remember blood and rain And I never saw it coming again Yeah, cut right into me Yeah because I am made of scars Yes, I am made of scars Yes, I am made of scars Yes, I am made of scars That's what I'm made of

We had fire in our eyes In the beginning I Never felt so alive In the beginning you You blame me but It's not fair when you say that I didn't try I just don't want to hear it anymore I swear I never meant to let it die I just don't care about you anymore It's not fair when you say that I didn't try I just don't care about you anymore We had time on our side In the beginning we We had nothing to hide In the beginning you You blame me but It's not fair when you say that I didn't try I just don't want to hear it anymore I swear I never meant to let it die I just don't care about you anymore It's not fair when you say that I didn't try I just don't care about you anymore You say that I didn't try You say that I didn't try You say that I didn't try I swear I never meant to let it die I just don't care about you anymore It's not fair when you say that I didn't try I just don't care about you anymore I just don't care about you anymore I just don't care about you anymore I just don't care about you anymore I just don't care about you anymore

Wooden Jesus where are you from Korea or Canada or maybe Taiwan I didn't know it was the holy land But I believed from the minute The check left my hand, and I pray Can I be saved, I spent all my money On a future grave Wooden Jesus Ill cut you in On twenty percent of my future sin Porcelain Mary her majesties pure Looking for virgin territory Coat hanger halos don't come cheap From television shepherds with living room Sheep, and I pray Can I be saved, I spent all my money On a future grave Wooden Jesus Ill cut you in On twenty percent of my future sin

We care a lot about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees We care a lot about the NASA shuttle falling in the sea We care a lot about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought We care a lot about disease, baby Rock, Hudson, rock, yeah! We care a lot about the gamblers and the pushers and the geeks We care a lot about the crack and smack and whack that hits the street We care a lot about the welfare of all the boys and girls We care a lot about you people cause we're out to save the world YEAH! And it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it We care a lot about the army navy air force and marines We care a lot about the SF, NY and LAPD We care a lot about you people, about your guns about the wars you're fighting gee that looks like fun We care a lot about the Garbage Pail Kids, they never lie We care a lot about Transformers cause there's more than meets the eye We care a lot about the little things, the bigger things we top We care a lot about you people yeah you bet we care a lot, YEAH! Well, its a dirty job but someone's gotta do it And it's a dirty song but someone's gotta sing it

What do you mean I don't believe in God? Talk to him every day What do you mean I don't support your system? I go to court when I have to What do you mean I can't get to work on time? Got nothing better to do What do you mean I don't pay my bills? Why do you think I'm broke? Huh? If there's a new way I'll be the first in line But, it better work this time What do you mean I hurt your feelings? I didn't know you had any feelings What do you mean I ain't kind? Just not your kind What do you mean I couldn't be President Of the United States of America? Tell me something, it's still 'We the people', right? If there's a new way I'll be the first in line But, it better work this time Can you put a price on peace? Peace, peace sells, peace, peace sells Peace sells, but who's buying? Peace sells, but who's buying? No, no, no, no, no! Peace sells Peace sells

Watch your mouth hold your tongue boy because you're running out of breath running out of time before every careless word that you utter renders you utterly useless. now you're drowning in your own saliva trying to speak yourself to the top of your empty world well keep on talking just keep on rambling you've got your mouth full listen here's the pleasant part you and i we fell apart. listen here's the pleasant part you and i we fell apart. why can't you make up your mind? why can't you make up your mind? shut your mouth burn your bridges throw your words like an attack and stab me in the wait a second wait a second what's that i just heard Never mind, it's obviously worthless.. now you're standing on your soapbox yelling from the rooftops everything you say is a lie. a lie a lie. lie lie Yeah! listen here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done. listen here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done. why can't you make up your mind? why can't you make up your mind? watch your mouth hold your tongue somethings are better left unsaid watch your mouth hold your tongue somethings are better left unsaid. now i hope you're pleased, you got your prize and tongue i dance between your words, right before you fall.... RIGHT BEFORE YOU- Why don't you, Why don't you say that to my face? i had a rip down, torn out So many things. everything you, every time you,every word you say. If I told you this was killing me... would you... would you stop?

When I was young, I was so full of fear I hid behind anger, held back the tears It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win But the world fought back, punished me for my sins I felt so alone, so insecure, I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard And they tried to warn me of my evil ways But I couldn't hear what they had to say I was wrong, self destruction's got me again I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong And I think about my loves, well I've had a few I'm sorry that I hurt them, did I hurt you too? I took what I wanted, put my heart on the shelf How can you love when you don't love yourself? It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win But the world fought back, punished me for my sins And they tried to warn me of my evil ways But I couldn't hear what they had to say Well I grew up fast, I grew up hard something was wrong from the very start I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything but the only one that I hurt was me I got "society's" blood running down my face, Somebody help me get outta this place How could someone's bad luck last so long? until I realized that I was wrong I was wrong, self destruction's got me again I was wrong, the only one that was wrong was me, I was wrong.