Rodney's blog: "rodney481"

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00." A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES." The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away. The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

Aircraft Humor Reassurance for all those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in the cockpit. S: Something tightened in the cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: The number 3 engine is missing. S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one saved for last...... P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Useless Facts 1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie. 5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. 7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles. 9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. . 10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. 13. Reindeer like to eat bananas. 14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. 15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." 16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. 17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes. 20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

At 3 A.M. a couple awakens to a knock on the door. The man gets up and sees a stranger asking for a push." Not a chance," yells the husband. "It's 3:00 in the morning!"With that , he returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Some guy asking for a push. I told him to get lost." "What?" she ask, "Don't you remember that time when we broke down and that guy helped us? You should help him." The man guiltily returns to the door calling out, "Hello, do you still need a push?" "Yes, please," comes the answer. "where are you?" "over here on the swing"