Over 16,545,678 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
1. A woman asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)
2. A man, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
His response -- click.
3. A man furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida
is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible
to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An man once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois woman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am, and got to Chicago at 8:33am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New Yorker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think
that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked
into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A man called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a man, from Ala, who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have numbers on them.''
10. A woman called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. A woman called and had a question about the documents
she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no
I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China 4 times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey man (called to make reservations, ''I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's
the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
The World's Shortest Books
________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ....
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
The Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming
voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said,
"Lord,
I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
An elderly gentleman and his wife were invited to their friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way the host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The host couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wives were in the kitchen, the old man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving pet names'.
The host hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky bitch what it is.'
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'Sorry, I have a headache, dear.'
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you'
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' !
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'O K, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'
