corporate punk's blog: "mindless insanity"

for most im sure you do not want to read this. it is me just rambling on about all kinds of crazy things that wont happen for years. i decided to keep it a bit sort for those of you that do to choose to read it but keep in mind this is just from me and no one else i dont expect people to think and feel and beleive the same things i do but i know there are a few people out there that do share a few same thoughts that i do. this did come from a random thought i know i probably shouldnt be posting crap like this in here but i need an outlet and i like for people that are more open minded and free thinkers and "rebels" to read enjoy think about a few of the things i do have to say. so you have been warned advance at your own risk and if you do i hope you enjoy to some degree. as im writing this im watching children of men so that may just add to this writing. and the other night i watched v for vendetta so that really aint helping to much either. so i truly think that the world will go to shit eventually. we will continue to use up our resources and not move into a greener time fast enough. it will all go to shit at some point. we are far to along. i wouldnt be surprised if something like water world would come up. but we are just living in hard and maybe im using the wrong word here but oppressive times. granted we are allowed free speech and the ability to publish anything we want but we are greatly looked down on. someone that is willing to speak freely is looked at as a trouble maker or disgruntled or a problem to society. i just cant believe we live in a time were people are still crucified for free speech and free practice of what we do. we have been in a sexual revolution for years and yet people still consider a lot of things taboo. yes this is directed towards the mainstream. i dont see how so many people especially around my age are still close minded in so many ways about so many things. are people still afraid of how fast the world is moving? are people afraid of what will come? if you are not willing to accept what is coming with open arms then you will be left in the dark ages. now granted when the world comes to an end there will no longer be all the technology that we have and a lot of people wont know how to do a damn thing. i know i will be able to last some time. but first it will take me a while to get adjusted to the changes but i can do it. i just wonder when the world will revert on itself and ideas will collapse on itself and go into a distroyed world.

so yea i got fairly tipsy earlier tonight. so as i drove home in a drunken stuper i start to think once again. i got to thinking about something i said to someone about a month ago. what i said was i would rather have my integrity then be living a lie. yes, i would rather live a harder life then having to sell my soul and do something for a living that i hate. yes, i know im worth more and can do better then anything you can and will be. i will be a happy person living my life then living a lie and doing what you say is a normal life. so i say to you FUCK YOU!!!! this is directed to all those people that say i should be doing something other then what i want. when i had said i am happier to live freely then live a lie to my friend at the time he didnt quite understand it and thought i was being a dick. to a degree yes i was being a dick. i was mostly telling him that you are living a lie and im willing to stand up and do whatever i want and have the freedom to do shit and dont worry about what other think. i dont look over my shoulder for every action i take. i am free in more ways then most are. yes, tyler durden is god. and tricky just has a way with words that amaze me constantly. sometimes the words "i live the life they wish they did" make complete sense to me. i know i am able to do things and have experiences that most people can only dream of. and i have done some of these things already and i know there are more things coming. i know some people out there are better then me but i am still better then others and i want to be better then more. yes, i am a power hungry mother fucker. got a problem with that then fuck off. why cant people fucking understand how i operate as a person. my best friend just cant understand how i can go so long without the comfort or love or compassion from a woman. i know that it has been a long time since i have shared the comfort of someone else. its been pretty much 5 years since ive been in a real relationship and been 8 months since i have even been on a date. thats 8 months since ive been excited about anyone really. except one person and she knows who she is but that is just a complicated thing that i dont wish to get into at this time. a few people know of this person and what i am talking about. and to them it is even confusing and even to me it is a bit. but i do get happy when i talk to this person and she knows it. today me and my best friend were in line at walmart picking up a few things and there was a kind of cute girl in a line over and he was kind of joking around saying did i want him to go get her number for me and all that shit. and of course me being the shy and timid person that i am of course said no. i havent told him about my policy of dating only models and photographers cause there is no way he could or would ever understand it. he does understand that i am more of a feminine type of person and that i do want a more stronger "butch" type of person. he just cant understand how i can be so old and live the style of life i do. yes i know i am a sad story for a person my age in the general sense. but more and more people my age are still living the same type and style of life i lead. no i am not a pioneer at everything i do. but i do know who i am and have a pretty good idea of what i want. some people know it and some dont. some people believe in me and some dont. it sucks when your own parents dont even believe in what you want to do. i have expressed to them quite a few times what i want to do and they just blow me off and think i am just dreaming again. what makes it worse is that my mom knows me more then my dad. she knows that i have been into fashion for a very long time since high school. and when i talk about it now she just thinks im being silly and wasting my time even talking about it. so i guess i can sum up all this random rambling with screw you all you none believers and go for your dreams and make them real. if you dont at least attempt them then you are wasting your own time and life. i would rather be a failure then a dreamer at life.

so i think im going to take it easy for a little bit. go back to work part time at my old job make a little bit of money, enough to get by. i figure i need to get back to what i use to be. myself that is. get back to enjoying life. i want to get back into art. i want to get back into boarding. i miss the ocean oh so much. i miss sitting out in the great big ocean waiting for it to create something wonderful and beautiful. i want to get back to my free spirit ways instead of my cold hearted asshole ways. i need a change in my life. the only way it will happen is if i do it myself. so yyes this is a short one but its a very positive one. so enjoy life.

everyone has been asking me if im doing ok since i lost my job and how am i handling it. why are you concerned now not before when all the shit was going on. oh wait now i remember where you were. you wouldnt answer my phone calls or try to talk to me or find out what was really going on. im really good at hiding a lot of shit especially when i only see you for a few minutes a day. yea it sucks being out of work but shit if i really wanted to i could go back to my old job to make some money while i find something better. which is probably what im going to do next week. ive been busting my ass for so damn long that im using this time as a mini vacation. im not doing a damn thing. im sitting around taking naps. im taking me some "ME" time. a few people understand this. i havent really been looking for a job. yea ive put in a few applications and yea i had an interview but it didnt work out oh well. move on to the next one. i will bounce back. people think i will be left out to dry with nothing. im a stronger person then that. i am very resourceful when i have to be. yea plans get pushed back and money situations become screwy again for a bit but i always come back stronger. the things i do dont make sense to a lot of people but in the end when they see what i have they become full of envy because i hold onto what i value. you can stop reading here unless you choose to read about me bitching about my former boss your choice so yea i have a hard time taking orders. but its mostly from assholes who can kiss my ass. im not going to suck up to anyone to try and save my job. no my performance is what makes me have a job. so what if i give your dumb ass an attitude. do you ever try and figure out why or do you just continue to shove your head farther up your own ass to disillusion yourself to thinking youre doing a good job. im sorry i cant be one of your none opinionated thoughtless drones that works for your sorry ass. i cant help it some "kid" can make you look like a fool in front of all your employees. but that same "kid" has more respect from the crew and has the ability to do whatever he wants then to be a slave.

when did i become a cute attractive guy? i ask myself this all the time. i continuosly see myself as a dorky, nerdy, and goofy guy that i have always been. i guess i keep seeing myself as i was so many years ago. no confidence and a loser. i guess i ahvent overcome that fear of being a success in the game of life. it keeps throwing me curve balls and i keep missing them. its only been a few years since rather attractive people have given me the time of day and i dont know how to handle it. ive always wanted acceptance from people but then when i do get it i dont know how to handle it. it seems like it all came at once almost like overnight. i just wasnt ready to accept it then and im still struggling with it. i have started to at least consider myself and mildly attractive and interesting. ive always been interesting i guess more people are accepting and into the same kinds of things. maybe its just the times we are living in. they are very different from say even 5 years ago. maybe im trying to hold onto something from the past that i dont know what it is and everything else is changing around me and im not keeping up. or maybe im still a bit ahead and cant cope. i dont know what it is but i still feel im in the wrong place and wrong time. maybe things will fall into place later on in life as long as i dont miss any chances. all i know is attaractive people are awesome and im glad im being accepted by them. i finally got an invitation into the pretty people club. granted its different from the mainstream club but its still one full of sexy beautiful talented and SMART people. so all the dorky nerdy cute people keep on uniting and making changes to the fucked up society that we live in. we will always be in the shadows but we have, can, and will continue to make changes in the world. keep up the good work. damn i run onto so many different ideas. this started out as me questioning my looks and ended up on a polictical note. which reminds me im about to start drawing again and ive decided to do at least a few drawings of social commentary pieces again. im still working out all the details in my head so as long as i can get them out they will kick ass like always. i always like to make people think. cant live as a dumbass forever and survive. the zombies will eat you first if you arent smart enough to survive. so i guess i will end my random rants and raves with the elf is always watching. may not always be able to speak up but will always make comments and hope that others like the elf strive to make this troubled time a bit better to live in.

dennis hopper said it best "zombies man, they creep me out". zombies are such a menace. kill them all i say. dont let them bastards live to walk the earth. after the first attack everyone needs to organize and start sweeping the areas to wipe them out. none of this we dont have the weapons or the fire power. thats what sticks and knives and swords are for. save the bullets for the damn weak people. the people that arent willing to fight for their survival. if you arent willing to take down a few flesh eaters theen you shouldnt be around. yes survival of the fittest does play in as a factor here. damn lazy people should be used as bait to lure the zombies in so everyone else can attack and wipe out large groups of those bastards. yes it will be a war. it will be a plague that will wipe out a lot of people. you dont have to be the strongest person to survive. just smart and willing to live. what would be cool is to collect the heads of those dead bastards. display them as trophies. see who can collect the most. maybe even trade them. cause you know some of them are gonna be wicked badass with holes in their skull. or even parts of their jaw missing. it would be wicked awesome. brought to you by the fine people of against brain eating

i am so damn tired of everyone asking and wondering if im gay just because i havent dated in 5 years and had sex in a long time. just because i have taken myself out of the market so i can try to have my own life. i want to get to know me. i dont want to keep having close calls. i dont want something to happen with someone that i dont give a shit about. i would like to have some damn control over my pathetic dull life. i dont need some stupid dumb bitch trying to run and control my life. i do and have my eye on a few people but due to some certain restrictions they dont work out. that doesnt discourage me one bit. im just actually being selective now. some may say im in no position to do so witha record like mine. if you dont know ive only actually dated a few people. more flings then relationships. no regrets just wish i things could have played out a bit better. this doesnt mean im against hook-ups now. i do try to stay away from them. but feelings tend to get involed and that just makes it harder. so something will happen one of these days and when it does it will all be worth it. ive got plenty of time. it may be a bit hard for me to find someone but i trust that some higher power will grant me with someone great that will understand me and get me and be secure with herself and with me. we can be odd together.

so now ive come to the conclusion that im only going to date models from now on. this is due to work schedules and a few other things. but this way when i finally do get a chance to see them it will be well worth the wait and time well spent. instead of seeing someone all the damn time and getting bored very easily.