CrazeeNLuvinIt's blog: "LIFE"

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida . Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation: + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. + Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans + Put the Florida alligators in the moat. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo???!!!!! Now, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR, these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? "It's been a year," I told him!! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC . " Because I said so, that's why." 5.. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shu t your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION ISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIV ING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENC E . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR . "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS . "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM . "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Subject: FW: Fwd: WalMart wine For all you wine lovers out there, this is note-worthy!!!! Wal-mart announced that, sometime in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ----Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to buy a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

> WHY GOD MADE MOMS : > > All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: > > Why did God make mothers? > 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. > 2. Mostly to clean the house. > 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. > > How did God make mothers? > 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. > 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. > 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger > parts. < /SPAN> > > What ingredients are mothers made of? > 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in > the world and one dab of mean. > 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use > string, I think. > > Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? > 1. We're related. > 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. > > What kind of little girl was your mom? > 1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. > 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. > > 3. They say she used to be nice. &n bsp; > > What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? > 1. His last name. > 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on > beer? > 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to > chores? > > Why did your mom marry your dad? > 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. > 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. > 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. > > Who's the boss at your house? > 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof > ball. > 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. > 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. > > What's the difference between moms & dads? > 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. > 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. > 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause > that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. > 4. Moms have magic, they mak e you feel better without medicine. > > What does your mom do in her spare time? > 1. Mothers don't do spare time. > 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. > > What would it take to make your mom perfect? > 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of > plastic surgery. > 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. > > If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? > 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of > that. > 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it > and not me. > 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of > her head. > > > > WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS > and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good > laugh!!!

Doctor! Doctor! Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again. He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realizeD she was Chinese. Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him." Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start? "The ma n replied, "When did what start? I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it." My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring." Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places. You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. --- Well, there's a very simple answer. --- Nobo dy bothered to check the oil. --- We just didn't know we were getting low. --- The reason for that is purely geographical. --- Our OIL is located in --- ALASKA --- California --- Coastal Florida --- Coastal Louisiana --- Kansas --- Oklahoma --- Pennsylvania and Texas --- Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington , DC !!! Any Questions??? NO? Didn't think So.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? Who knew? ! This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using c old water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather In a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia . After spending a great evening chatting the Night away, John's grandfather prepared Breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on His plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge That looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as Clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear Another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to A nearby town and as he was leaving, His grandfather's dog started to growl, and Wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football Game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted . "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does n ot have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "C RACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming. The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go." So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."