2972005's blog: "Death"

Sometimes I really don't understand why life is how it is. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Im sitting here, and I am completely broken.

I lost my grandmother today. I have been awake for two days, and stayed by her bedside and sang to her, and rubbed her feet, and told her how beautiful she truly is.

I can still hear the raspy breathing in my head. It won't stop. The struggling for air, the coughing. It brought back so many memories of losing my mom.

My grandmother was the glue to hold my family together, and now that she is gone, they are fighting already, and saying such hurtful things to eachother.

I have had to be SO strong for everyone in my family. Even when I was awake in the middle of the night, wishing things would change, I couldn't break down. I had to be in control for them.

I had to make one of the most difficult phone calls in my life today. I had to call and tell my father that his mother died before he had a chance to say goodbye. Hearing my dad break down and cry ripped my insides out. He has been through so much, and I just want to wrap him in my arms and take his pain away. I wish it was ME who had to feel it and not him. I am so helpless. Words are just words at this point. Yeah, he knows she isnt suffering anymore, but he also knows that she won't be a phone call away either.

What now?

I am broken. I am exhhausted. I am just so lost right now. I am finally in my own house, and can be free to cry it out, but who is there to be strong for ME? I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel powerful. I feel weak and alone.

I just pray that this hurt will subside, so I can try to move on from this. I know life goes on, I know things will get better, but right now...right this minute...it doesn't feel like it can get much worse. I am heartbroken, and I need healing badly.

~ Alexis

Ok...so today has sucked beyond all imagination...

I'm at work, minding my own business, and all of a sudden this song comes on. I haven't heard this song in like..1oo freaking years, and it brings back so  many memories. My mom used to sing it to me when she would tuck me in at night, and whenever something was bothering me. I don't know if many people remember it, but it goes, "You are so beautiful to me" Old stuff, but its an amazing song. Well. I cry the whole way home, and even about an hour after I get home.

Well...after that I meet up with some friends, and we are talking about the death of our friend who died this past saturday, and they are going into great detail about what happened with the car accident, and were getting very visual about them sewing her head back together, and having to just lay her legs in the casket because they were sliced off, and they had to fill the back of her head with paper because the back of her skull is missing, and that is just the beginning....

Here, I am at home. I live alone, and I can't close my eyes because I see the visuals in my head, and it makes me want to hyperventilate.

A lot of people don't know about my past, but when I lost my mother, I was there, and I was the one on the phone with 911, telling my dad how to try to do CPR on her. I remember looking at her...her purple body, the noises her chest made when my dad breathed into her mouth. It STILL sits with me to this day, and it has been 7 years.

I am so lost at the moment. I don't like death, or even thinking about it, and here I am...alone, unable to get any peace or sleep. I don't know what to do. I can't cry anymore tonight.  I dont have any tears left. So I'm sitting here, praying for dreamless sleep, void of any nightmares of the past...

This isn't fair, not one bit.

PS...I miss the fuck out of you Mom :(